Who Am I? Again
by lishbug
Summary: This story goes along with Who Am I? It talks about what is going through Olivia’s head before she talks to Dr. Mays the last time. That is the time between chapter 2 and 3 of the story. Broken Olivia insert


A/N 1: This story goes along with Who Am I? It talks about what is going through Olivia's head before she talks to Dr. Mays the last time. That is the time between chapter 2 and 3 of the story.

**Who Am I Again?**

Olivia had just fallen asleep. The lavender bath had relaxed her enough that the falling asleep process was peaceful and she drifted right off.

Heart pounding and a sheet of sweat woke Olivia up a few hours later. She lay there a few minutes, holding onto the blankets in a death grip. She then unceremoniously flung them off and away from her body.

She got up and started to pace the room. The dream she had just moments before flooding back with increasing speed. She ran her hands through her damp hair. Stalling in her movements she stripped of her tank and boxers and went into the bathroom. Starting a lukewarm shower she stepped into the spray. As the water hit her in the face she started to think about everything. As vulnerable one is while in the shower, she felt that it was a safe place to think, like the walls of the shower would keep her thoughts from getting out into the world.

She collected some water in her hands and splashed it onto her face. The smooth water was a pleasing contrast from the harsh spray.

The dream.

The nightmare.

It was one she often had.

Alex laying on the sidewalk.

Olivia trying to hold the blood in as she applied pressure to the gunshot wound that oozed from Alex's shoulder.

The paramedics pushing her away and taking over.

Sitting in the sedan as Elliot followed the Ambulance, siren and light blaring. She numbly pulled out her phone and called Cragen, "Alex, shot." That was all that she could say.

Sitting in the waiting room with Mrs. Cabot, Cragen, Elliot, Munch, and Fin, as the doctor comes in, looking grave. She knew at that moment. Mrs. Cabot collapsed, Cragen and Fin caught and steadied her. Olivia stood strong, sadness was written on her face she could tell, it was mirrored in the rest of the gangs faces.

It was when she finally got home on that dreadful day that she collapsed into her despair. The difference with this dream and reality was, Alex really was dead. The hurt was deep and real. She felt it stronger than anything, more than loosing a friend, she'd lost friends before, she was a cop, it happened, but this was different. The feelings that she had when she thought about Alex were unfamiliar and scary.

The water was turning cold, she got out of the shower and felt the goosebumps form as she reached for a big green fluffy towel. She wrapped herself in its warm embrace and went in search of warm things to wear. She located some sweatpants and a fresh tank, enveloping herself in a hooded sweatshirt she drew the strings of the hood so it covered her wet hair.

Her apartment was cold, she turned the heat down at night, or when she is gone often, being February it was pretty cold.

She padded into the kitchen and made some tea. Sitting on the couch she continued to ponder the feelings.

When she was around Alex in person she just couldn't get the woman out of her mind.

What did this mean? She had been attracted to women before, but she never really thought about acting on it before.

What about Alex? Did she feel the same?

Are these new feelings just because she hadn't seen her friend in two years?

She had these feelings before, they were just friends.

This is ridiculous. She is just reading into things that have nothing to do with… with anything like this. She didn't have feelings for Alex. She was just glad that her friend is alive, safe, back in her life and a friend again.

Right?

Olivia put down her tea.

It was cold.

She hadn't had one sip of it. Olivia looked at the clock and rubbed her eyes, all this serious thinking, and confusion, she was past exhausted. The time on her VCR read 2:15, she couldn't believe it was still this early, or late. Her sense of time was totally off. She knew at least if she went to bed, she could get about 5 hours of sleep before she needed to be up again.

Olivia left her mug on the coffee table and dragged herself back into her room. She crawled back under the covers, her last thought before drifting immediately off to sleep was, she was ready to discuss this with Dr. Mays. At least begin discussing it.

**END**

A/N 2: well I hope you liked it… now if your confused you didn't read the first part of the story. Go back and read dude, it's worth it… or so I'm told. Now I wrote this because I was wondering what was going through Olivia's head before she talked about Alex with Dr. Mays. One day I was walking around and it came to me. But I didn't write it right away. Here it is. There should be another installment of the Series at some point. It's that time of the semester so I can't make any updating promises. Thank you all, you reviewers make my day.


End file.
